There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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