I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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