i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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