My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
