i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
