remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
