I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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