Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
