my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
