i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
