News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
