Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
