I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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