bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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