My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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