They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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