I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
