new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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