Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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