I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
