I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
