i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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