Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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