my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize