my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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