When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
