this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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