I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
