Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
