i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
