it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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