You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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