Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
