he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
