The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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