I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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