every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
