I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
