im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize