Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
