I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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