but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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