I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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