I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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