Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
