My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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