In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
