if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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