I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
