The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
