non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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