You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
