you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
