I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
