I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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