Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
