you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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