The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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