Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
