i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
