So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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