if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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