Soap is not a condiment
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
