he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Never joke about your clitoris.
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