Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
